Dear Lin Manuel Miranda,
I promise, this letter you will never read - unlike the last two (thank you for your kindness).
I am in the eye of the hurricane. I am hours away from news that may destroy me. I am waiting to be ripped apart and scattered. I am waiting to be lost, wander onto unfamiliar shores. I am waiting and waiting and I am trying.
I am trying to be patient. I am trying to have faith. I am trying to breathe, to light a candle and stare at the light despite the growing darkness. I am trying to not scream or throw myself to the ground in uncontrollable silence.
Silence. That is a new presence in my life. Not for me, I have always been quite, once received an award for my silence. But now I need to fill it. Complete the gaps for her, finish building the bridge. Already one foot is stepping into unknown worlds.
How do I do this? How do I take the lead and stay strong? How do I bend with the storm and still stand after? Those around me can do it. Those near me have done it. But I still feel alone. Terrified, separated, on my own. I lean into emptiness, for how long? I apologize for my non-linear thoughts, but this is a non-linear life.
This is not a life I expected to live, this is not how the years were supposed to go. So how do we go on?
Anastasia
