Crying at My Desk, I Write

 

Before your trips, you would write me letters. One for every day you would be gone, a little something to which I could hold on. I would open them carefully, ready to read your words. Each morning before school, so the missing you wouldn’t hurt.

And now I have no letters, no hidden little gifts. I only have this heart of mine, which continuously rips. I miss your words, I miss your thoughts, your hidden little gems. And even more I miss the way, I was prepared back then.

We didn’t see this coming, there was no long goodbye. One moment you were with me, talking and laughing, though I didn’t always know why. Your words were always comfort, a constant in my life. Now there’s only silence, the words are mine to write.

I want to do you justice, let your memory through me live on. It isn’t fair how little time we had, so few days to call you mom.

Madonna and Mary

 

Where do we go from here?

Isn’t that always the question? What happens next, what now, where will your next step take you? Normally the answer is laid out in front of you.

“Let’s get food”

“Send this to shipping”

“Put up the Christmas decorations”

“Stay up late, tomorrow is Saturday, no alarm needed”

But this time is different. This time there is no clear next step. No poorly copied directions, MapQuest print out, even a road sign telling me to expect curves and a dead end.

This isn’t where we intended to be.

How many times did I say that? How often would we follow our instincts and find ourselves lost? Usually you can stop, call, and restart.

“Should turn around”

“Go left at the big pine tree”

“Call so and so and tell them where we are”

“There’s a gas station, we can stop and pee, and find our way”

This wasn’t’ planned, there was not predicting this unexpected turn. One moment you were here with me, laughing and cheering about the election; suddenly gone. This was not where we were meant to be.

We had it all, I believed in you.

I believed in you. I believed in you through my first move, through the divorce, through college, through job changes, and my final move away, I always believed in you. I didn’t know believing in you would soon mean believing in the simple.

“You’ll be fine without me”

“You can drive to visit me, you know the way”

“You can find your keys, you know where they go, on the hook”

“You remember where your room is, I’ll follow you and we can go back together”

Slowly I watched as remembering to do something, became remembering where an item was, became remembering how to walk, became remembering who I am. I watched as you began to forget the world around you, forgetting who you were in the world. But in you, I always believed.

You believed in me.

From my first breath, to your last, I have to know you never stopped. I have to put my trust in the idea that you still do. My number one cheer leader.

“You are doing it”

“You jumped so incredibly high”

“You were wonderful, I heard you the whole time”

“You are strong, and smart, and brave of heart, Anastasia Marie.