"You are here."
But where is here, oh yellow dot? Where is that pinpoint that you so helpfully highlighted? Perhaps where you are, on the map, you know where here is. Perhaps you understand the meaning of the squiggly lines and topographical designs. If this is true then you are the only one. You are the only one who knows what it means to be here.
The only one who knows...that seemed to be the theme of her life. How many other people had been in this exact situation? How many other single, only children of divorce had to help their mother struggle with dementia? If there were any she didn't know them and if there were any she wasn't sure she wanted to meet them.
"You are here, no one else is. Sucky time to not know how to read a map."
She was pretty sure that had been the right direction. She thought for sure that she had been heading south and was definitely headed toward an exit. However, the new "you are here" dot seemed to disagree. Somehow she was further in the woods and had three options to choose from. Most people would take this moment to make a Robert Frost joke and go merrily on their way, but she had a mission. She was determined to understand the map. After five minutes of intense staring she realized that it is not merely enough to just stare at the map and hope for divine intervention,one must have some idea of where to start. The only thing she understood now was that she was lost, but that was her normal. Being sure, that was the unusual.
"Ironic, I'm more lost than ever, but I've found myself at least a thousand times."
She had found herself sharing feelings and thoughts with people, a place she had never been before. Suddenly she was opening up about why she was angry, sad, or crying. Other people were helping to carry her burden. Never had she found herself here before, she put down a flag.
She found herself admitting defeat. When the disease began to change the memories in her mother's head she didn't fight it. She didn't offer up corrections or try to remind her mother of the truth; there are some battles you will always lose. She knew that now and she marked that lesson with a flag.
She found herself to be a mother; the most interesting of accidental discoveries. Here she was, 23 and a mother of a 55 year old. Suddenly she was the one with the power, the wisdom and the pocketbook. She scheduled doctor appointments, bought clothing, discussed housing and financial aid with a committee of people looking to help her make the best choices. She picked up this new baggage and marked its arrival with a flag.
She found herself lost. Not the familiar lost where she physically had no clue of where to go; no, this was new and different and it crushed her. In this lost there wasn't a constant fear, in fact if she was busy or distracted it was easy to give in, just ask Alice how comfortable it is in Wonderland. Its easy for those who wonder to forget they are lost. But then it would hit her again. She would remember and the world lost it's color. She had found herself lost and she had never been more scared.
This time there was no flag.
The marker -
A disheartened figure, beaten by the rain.
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