Hide and Seek

I am a champion of hide and seek.

Finding the dark corners

I fold myself in two, fourths, sevenths-

Until I am small enough to go unseen.

The light shines, but doesn’t find me.

I am not in there, I cannot be found in the wide open spaces.

That is not me, that is who you pretend I am.

She is the one you find,

The one you elate in

The one who inspires you to yell, “I’ve got her! I know where she is; I see her!”

But that is not me.

That’s why you can’t see.

You are so delighted to have her – a projection, a falsity

you don’t even notice that I’ve disappeared;

folded in on myself completely.

Ninths, elevenths, twelfths.

I fold and refold until I begin to break.

But you can’t see, you don’t care, to you I’m not even there.

You have what you want and have no need for me or the side you don’t want to see.

Split yourself in two,

Push one way down deep.

That’s how you win hide and seek.

The Secret

I haven’t told you yet

I haven’t told you because I’m terrified.

I don’t know how to tell you because this is you.

In so many ways I’ll have to go through it again

I’ll have to watch the same struggles,

Answer the same questions

But this time it’ll be you that’s gone.

And bringing it up will make it come faster

I’m certain that the moment I put the thought in your head,

It won’t let go.

Your brain will take it and push it into being

Suddenly it will all be true.

And this time I’ll be the one alone.

So I’m not telling you.

You won’t understand,

You don’t understand I can’t.

I can’t let this happen because I cannot do this.

In no way am I ready.

I distance myself because it already hurts,

So how would I go through this?

I can’t do it, because next it will be you.

Next I’ll be watching you leave

Watching you fade away

And what if I’m not strong enough.

How will I ever do it all without you?

I don’t have sixty years,

I barely got twenty.

How will I tell you?

I won’t.

A Prayer to St. Jude

Who remembers the children,

lonely, scared, and cold?

Do we ever speak of them

make sure their stories are told?

We whisper years of the one who did it,

murmur how it was wrong.

But only the child for a moment,

then the tears are gone.

It hurts too much

so they say.

And yet I hold onto,

all he suffered that day.

I remember and I imagine

 the emotions he went through.

I never could completely understand,

what it meant to be you.

To watch the one you loved so much,

transform mother to monster.

Were you forced to see,

losing you changed her.

How long did it take you to understand,

 guess what was about to come?

Questions spilling from your mouth,

until the rope was hung?

I pray you never understood,

I pray fear never broke through,

I pray you only knew love.

I pray every day for you,

My Jude.