Training to run

I don't run.

I will walk, I will skip, I will crawl if I have to; but I don't run. Except for lately.

Now I find myself running all the time. Running from people who care, running from bills and every fear I have, running from myself. I'm exhausted and have no calf definition to show for all of my efforts. I run from my emotions, quite sure that if I keep going they won't catch up. I won't have the time to stop and think and find myself more lost than I've ever been. At least, if I keep running, it will look like I know my destination.

But my brain is faster and definitely used to moving quickly. Fueled by caffeine and anxiety, it races ahead of me - taunting me. I watch as it easily hops from conclusion to conclusion, the entire time I grow weaker. It's pointless to fight. It's impossible to escape. At every turn my brain is there, showing me ideas I don't want to see - ideas that terrify me and make me fall apart. But that cannot be my brain's goal.

The brain is a part of me, if I fall apart so does it. We need each other to survive...so perhaps I am in training. With actual non-metaphorical running your muscles are weak until they fall apart, but over time they grow stronger. They rebuild and are able to face any challenge - it's only a matter of time. Maybe I am in training.

Maybe I am learning to fall apart and break in order to build myself up and be stronger. Soon these ideas will just be hurdles that I fly over. Soon I will run for hours, brain in my head, and we will work together to face any challenge. We can do this, my brain and me. And this time, we have something to run toward.