A Very Rough Draft

I risked a speeding ticket on my way to her. I ran into my car, rushed over the icy paths, and risked my life in order to reach her on time. Fear and panic blinded me - what if I didn't make it, what if she left without getting to say goodbye, what if? My eyes strained against the darkness as I drove the two hours to the hospital.

There were other Easter Vigils where we didn't sit by each other. But that separation was brought on by the importance of serving at mass or singing in the church choir - never had it been anything so permanent. Before, she would be looking up at me from a pew, smiling with an unending joy to see her only daughter participating in the mass that way. But now, just three days ago, she had accused me of kidnapping her, of forcing her to join a cult. At that moment I knew, if we ever attended another vigil together we would not be sitting by each other. I knew that I had lost her and I hadn't been able to say goodbye.

My mother, my best friend, entered the tomb of her own mind - the dementia has taken over and I'm afraid to roll away the stone and see what is left. The women who went to attend Jesus, they were greeted by angels...I fear the devil. I am scared to be with her. I am scared to be a daughter who can't handle this change. I'm scared that when I roll away the stone the tomb will be empty.

Mary and the others found Jesus. Yes, he looked different, but they knew it was him by the fire lit in their souls. Fear is blinding me to the flame that is my mother. How can I see the strong, fierce woman who raised me, when I am terrified of the weak body and mind in front of me?

Easter is a time of resurrection and joy, but now I only see anxiety and stress. I see hours of repeating answers, reminding her where the bathroom is, and the pressure to be the supportive daughter. Easter doesn't mean a time of celebration for me any more...nor does any other holiday. Now, now it is all darkness and my eyes strain as I drive. My destination no more clear than it was that night two years ago - but I keep looking, hoping to find anything that might, at least, be a tiny bit familiar.